Browsing the archives for the family tag

Four Candles for the Queen of the Universe

Change, Life as it is, Love, Spiritual Journey

My friend, Debby, the Debutaunt – the self-proclaimed Queen of the Universe, passed away today.

Four Candles for the Queen of the Universe

Light the First Candle
The light of this first candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.

I got the news on twitter and sent condolences and then thinking of Deb, I looked over some of the photos I have of her. Grief then overwhelmed me as I realized the hole that she left in me – I guess part of me has been waiting for her Instant Message to joke about kicking cancer’s ass again and we would swap stories and laughs just like we used to do.

I tried to look over some photos and maybe send them to her sisters, but I couldn’t function at the computer at all. I was moved to honor her and I wanted to give something special to he sisters, but i was non-functional. So I stopped and called friends to connect and share my feelings to get through it all.

Light the Second Candle
The light of this second candle represents our courage – the courage to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, and to move forward in our lives

Deb is the bravest woman I have ever met, and her family is an amazing family. If you follow the link to her blog, you can start the story where I did in about July 2005. Meet a woman coping with life the best that she can when she finds she has Leukemia a couple months later. Read her stories of her courage as she found reason after reason for why she can do this – and watch as she fought with a katana-like will to get better.

Light the Third Candle
This third candle is a light to all of our memories of you. To the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other. The silly things you did, the caring and the joy you gave us.

So tonight I reached out to a friend and connected with another person on the phone – and also went to pick up my daughter. On the way home with my daughter it occurred to me how I could respect the depths of my feelings for the loss of Deb. So we stopped off for milkshakes and when we got home I got my son and daughter together at the kitchen table and we had milkshakes while I told them stories of how Deb became the Queen of the Universe (it says so right on her checks), and how she helped me when my daughter was in the hospital, and how crazy-funny her blog was.

I shared, too, how much of her blog I re-read when my father was diagnosed with Leukemia as well. Deb was sick again by this time, but her story had been written and shared. I sent gifts to team Zoe, her daughter’s Leukemia Society fundraiser, in my father’s name. Deb’s fight, and the grace with which her family showed rallying around her, helped me as this evil blood cancer took him away.

Light the Fourth Candle
This fourth candle is the light of our love. We cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. we thank you for the gift your life brought to each of us. We love you, always.

I pray that Zoe will remember always just how many lives her mom touched and made better because of her smile and her fierce battle to survive. There was such light in her smile and laugh, and we will remember her.

On the way home, I remembered a recent memorial service we attended for my father who flew away in October. In this service, they lit four candles and read a special celebration for each candle and what it meant. It was a beautiful way to honor and respect my father when this service was performed a couple weeks ago. My suit coat was still hanging in the car tonight and I found a copy of the service in my coat pocket.

So tonight, this is how I remember and celebrate the passing of the Queen of the Universe. Lighting each candle and speaking these words on behalf of all those inspired and touched by her. Her fight is over, and all of our lives are better for both the battle she fought and for the peace she now knows. May all those who have been touched by Deb – especially her family – find comfort in one another and in the love she has for them.

She touched so many people. I’m just one of them.

[Edited on 5/22/2009 to add the following from Deb’s Sister]

Speaking of friends… several of you have been asking about how you can help… if you knew Debby, you knew that she was always behind raising money or awareness for a few good causes. Here is a list:

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to

Contributions may be made to:
The Financial Advisory Group, Inc.
c/o David Jenkins
5599 San Felipe, Suite 900
Houston, TX 77056

Please make out the checks to “College America” and in the memo field write “FBO: Zoe Costello.”

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10 Tips for Parenting through Self Injury

family, Love, Mistakes, Spiritual Journey, Vulnerability

It has been a couple of months since I wrote about my teen daughter’s cutting, and what it was like to be a parent surviving through self-injury. Now I see parents arrive here at MereWisdom.org from time to time with searches that break my heart – for I typed so many of the same things trying to find answers. For these visitors, I offer the following wisdom gained from making a million mistakes in responding to my daughter’s self harm.

Victoria in a New Place
For those looking for people who are getting through this, I would point you to my daughter’s site where she wrote to share some of her story of Survival of a Self Injurer. Worthy of note and celebration in this is that she now has nine months free of self-injury, one day at a time.

Caring for Myself and Family

1 – There is nothing I can do to save her or protect her completely – The belief that if I just try harder to protect her, to limit her choices, and keep her safe to get her through this without being able to harm herself further is, in the end, a lie. I had to accept my powerlessness to stop her from harming herself before I could stop dying inside from whether she has or has not self-injured today. It’s her behavior and only she can make different choices.

2 – I did not cause it – I struggled with my own guilt for a long time. A long, long time of second guessing myself, thinking that my own faults and failures ends up, really, only another form of the false beliefs in item one, above.

3 – Her Self-Injury is not the most important thing in my life – She is more important to me than what she does. My son is equally important to me, and can’t be ignored because of constant crises in her life. Self-injury can pull a family out of a normal orbit into a tight orbit only around the self injury. This reinforces the self-injury from my experience, and it harms everyone else now out of orbit.

4 – I needed help for myself and my family and not just my daughter – It’s her behavior, but it affects all of us. More importantly as the family increasingly becomes centered on the self-injury, the more the family systems break down and require conscious rebuilding. Normal systems and family behavior that act as balancing forces for our children and ourselves become reinforcing factors for out of control behavior instead. And as we broke down, it was invisible to us. Outside help is critical.

5 – Learn to live in Daytight Compartments – The notion of “One Day at a Time” is almost a cliche in dealing with these situations, but there is some truth to the idea that just for today I can endure and do the things that I could never do for the rest of my life. For me, the idea of daytight compartments, like watertight compartments on a ship, helped me get through tough times.

Responding to Self Injury

6 – Talk about it – One of the things I did right in this was insist from day one that we would not act ashamed about it and talk freely about self-injury. It is always ok to ask if injuries need immediate treatment, for example. It’s ok to talk about feelings – from my feelings about specific events to her feelings before or after cutting. It’s also ok to talk about other things besides self-injury – there is a whole life taking place at the same time.

7 – Set Boundaries on Behavior – I mentioned above that trying to control her behavior stems from a false belief that somehow I can do it for her. This is one of the broken systems that reinforces negative behavior, rather than balancing or opposing it. Natural consequences are much better. One of the first consequences we had was that all cuts had to be examined by a medical professional within 24 hours.

8 – Build a Team – My daughter’s recovery team became her school nurse, her family doctor, her psychologist and later a psychiatrist. Each of them got a copy of the Bill of Rights for People Who Self-Harm and it made a very real difference in the level of care she received.

9 – Stay the Parent – My daughter at one point was using her self-injury as a point of leverage to take control of the family. She would threaten to cut herself to get herself out of situations, and these tools helped get us past that point. She would threaten, and I would respond that I can’t stop her if she chooses self-injury but then medical care is required, and if self-injury was a part of any behavior contract, then those consequences would happen as well.

10 – Love her enough to respect her decisions – This is the hardest one, and a recent bit of learned wisdom. I think this is because the same need I have to protect her from harm is also in play to keep her from harm by way of her consequences of her actions. This is still an ongoing struggle for me as it is a great theory until I see behavior that is likely to cause problems for yars to come or legal issues and so on. In our case, it meant loving her enough to respect decisions even when the consequences included not living at home for a while, hospitalization, school settings that took her away from music, and so on.

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